Crosby steals and nashes the young

It's the day after the European and local elections and all those pre-written reports of a UKIP surge in popularity and how they are now a credible force are being rolled out. Over the past six months the BBC and other news outlets have repeatedly reported on UKIP with Nigel Farage gobbling away about Europe and Immigration on almost every programme. 

UKIP was originally set up to oppose Britain's membership of the European Union.This is a fairly reasonable standpoint - there are pros and cons to staying in Europe and it's always worth debating them. 

In 2012 UKIP were polling at around 8%. They had their day in the previous European elections but they were falling behind. Their relevancy to day-to-day life in Britain waned. Afterall they just focused on Britain's relationship with Europe and not much else. Since 2013 UKIP and Farage have featured heavily in the national media. Rogue UKIP members making awful right-wing statements and Farage condemning them have become a regular feature of daily news reporting. Immigration has become a keystone issue for UKIP. It's been tied in to their anti-European stance. They scaremonger about immigrants and lay the blame for most of society's ills on their shoulders. This was not the original purpose of UKIP but immigration, and a host of other right-wing issues, have become part of a broader manifesto. UKIP have positioned themselves to the right of the Tories and everyday they've been given the platform to tug public opinion their way.

It's not entirely clear why they get so much media attention. Perhaps it's the morbid comedy of their rogue councillors. Perhaps it's just lazy journalism which allow papers to print divisive headlines which help sell papers and provide click bait to angry, bored office workers. Perhaps it's Farage himself - like a rabble-rousing lad telling risqué jokes to his mates down the pub. 

But I believe it's not a natural bubble in popularity. It's not that anti-immigration has suddenly become the primary issue for the British public. It's being managed. 

Lynton Crosby was appointed as a campaign consultant for the Conservatives in November 2012. The saturation of the media by UKIP and subsequent rise in popularity in this party has happened since this appointment. Perhaps it's coincental or perhaps UKIP are being used by the Conservatives to help push the agenda of the 2015 elections to territory that Conservatives are comfortable with. 

Crosby is known for the wedge strategy. This is looking at an issue that will create division in the main opposing party. Clearly this issue is immigration. The Conservatives want to appear as being all-embracing so they simply can't make outrageous statements about foreigners. However UKIP, a party shouting from the right wing, can make these statements. The Conservatives have a stranglehold of the media in Britain. I propose that the Conservatives are using their influence on the media to give exposure to UKIP. This pushes the agenda of the 2015 election to discuss issues like immigration and getting out of the EU rather than issues such as the continued failure of the financial markets, the problems with the cost of living and wealth inequality. UKIP are the attack dog - barking out statements which agitate and give licence to angry, impressionable people to say "the unsayable".

We'll now see the Conservatives take UKIP seriously. They will link up with them because they'll say they're reacting to what the British public are saying. However the Conservatives are not reacting. It's their plain. Crosby and his team of election advisers are engineering this.

All that said I truly believe it won't work. British people are largely very welcoming and very adaptable. The ordinary English man and woman will accept difference and change. It's one of the positive ways in which England and Britain became powerful. The English language has become the lingua franca of the world simply due to it's pliability. It's the language of England and it represents the ordinary English person. They will take on new words, new worlds, new ways of living and mix them in with their language and way of life. Yet again the majority of the British public will vote for socially liberal parties in 2015. Let us just hope the BBC and other media outlets will try to ignore the conservative lobby and actually provide a mirror of true British and English attitudes.

Mock the Week

It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post. I rarely have anything to talk about. However something played on my yesterday and I believe a blog post is the best way to string my thoughts together and hang them out for the world to see.

Yesterday an old friend of mine got in to a heated Twitter exchange with a well known comedian. My friend, Jane Ruffino, is someone I respect and have always find intelligent, articulate and, above all, a right laugh. The comedian, Dara O'Briain, is someone who I'll never know yet I've always found him to be a very likeable and intelligent television personality with a razor sharp wit.

The issue was around some comments Dara O'Briain made in reaction to a new BBC policy that panel shows would never be made up entirely of men. From what I understand O'Briain wants to avoid "tokenism" and if more women are to appear in panel shows it should sorted out behind the scenes. He made a further comment about the under-representation of women in the STEM industries and that this was a more significant and important challenge than the gender imbalance in the UK comedy circuit.

I read this on the bus yesterday morning. Despite being somewhat disheveled and late for work these comments rang a bell in my head. It didn't feel right. The subsequent Twitter exchanges and radio talk show appearances niggled at me further. O'Briain isn't sexist and I imagine abhors sexist or misogynist behaviour. He strikes me as a very likable person who is keen to have amiable relations with most people.

The problem is he presents Mock the Week - which is the biggest showcase for stand-up comedians in the UK. Mock the Week is notoriously male dominated with the occasional woman making an appearance. It can be very funny but it is noticeably competitive. Whenever there is a female comedian I always notice that in the final round "Scenes we'd like to see" they usually are pushed to the back while the regulars hog the microphone.

O'Briain spoke about the fact that there simply isn't enough women in the comedy circuit and therefore it's hard to get them on the show. Perhaps it's his modesty, but Mock the Week could actually change this. It's the biggest showcase for stand-up comedians in the UK. There are six guests - three of them are regulars. The regulars are all men. There's no reason why at least one or two of these regulars could be women. By actively promoting women comedians Mock the Week could, and probably would, encourage more women to try out stand-up comedy - or other comedy media. Maintaining a predominantly male cast perpetuates the myth that women aren't funny. It reinforces the idea that stand-up comedy isn't something suitable to women. Of course this is nonsense. As the presenter of the show Dara O'Briain holds considerable influence over it's direction and content. Sure, he's not the producer, but he's the biggest name on the bill and people respect his opinion. He could make a fuss behind the scenes (or, perhaps more effectively, in public) and insist on more women appearing each week.

According to O'Briain the stand-up comedy circuit in Britain is a small and obscure area which, although it has massive gender inequality, it's too remote a battlefield for the fight to improve the representation of women in the workplace. He brings up the statistic that only 11% of people in "coding", or the IT industry, are women. It's good that he has brought this up - women are generally underrepresented in the STEM industries and there is a desperate need to have greater diversity in this area. It's worth noting that computer coding used to be seen as a woman's job.

Raising awareness of this issue in the IT industry is just avoiding the issue. Dara O'Briain can do something about the gender inequality in the industry he works in. There's little he can do directly to address the gender inequality in technology, engineering and mathematics. But here's something... by getting more women on his show he could actually help get more women in to IT.

I've worked in "coding" for about ten years. Most of the time you work with men. That means you end up talking about cars, computer gaming and, well, cracking jokes. I like the last bit. If you can tell a good anecdote or deliver a good punchline, you'll get on well in any profession. Everyone likes a good laugh. Making people laugh takes confidence. It's always precarious starting out a joke or anecdote - you tiptoe your way in to the story you're telling and, once you start to see smiles on people's faces, you start to run to the punchline. After that, you're on a roll.

The thing is people generally don't tell jokes or stories they've made up themselves. They often re-tell something they heard - often from a stand-up comedian. Dara O'Briain may not be aware of it, but people talk about his show in workplaces all over the UK. They re-tell the jokes they saw on it. Of course these jokes are being told mostly by men. It reinforces the perception that men are funny - and women aren't. Up and down the country we see groups of people in coffee docks, staff restaurants, break out areas - and generally at the centre of these groups is a guy telling jokes. There may be a woman there - probably in the background - realising she doesn't enjoy these coffee breaks and that she might as well just go back to her desk. After a while she's out on her own. She's not part of the gang (and yes, this applies to people in their middle ages). This type of scenario is particularly prevalent in the IT industries.

Being able to tell jokes, being able to make people laugh, gives you confidence. Women often don't feel confident enough to take centre stage in male dominated arenas (like the technology sector). There is an under-representation of women in STEM, and most other industries. It's not about coding either. It's about confidence. Coding is easy - just sign up with Treehouse or some other site and you can learn how to code quickly. It's moving up the ladder where women slip up. There are too few women team leaders, solution architects, programme managers - executives. However, more importantly, there are too few women taking centre stage in the coffee docks and staff restaurants, telling jokes and making their colleagues laugh - in day-to-day reality these people hold significant influence in any industry. If you're that person, or you're on terms with that person, work becomes something you like going to. If you're out of that circle, work becomes an unwelcome place, you become unmotivated and you may end up leaving.

A programme like Mock the Week could influence some change in this. Having more women stand-ups telling jokes to the British public will make everyone more comfortable with the idea that women are funny - and that women can take centre stage. It will make women feel they can take centre stage in their own workplace. Dara O'Briain could do something about that. It might seem like a small gesture - even a token gesture - but it's doing the right thing.

The day Alan Hansen had a moustache

Alan Hansen has declared that he will be leaving the BBC programme Match of the Day. Match of the Day is a very ancient British tradition. In times past the pre-Roman Britons would gather around the fire where they would be entertained by three men. One of the men was remarkably stupid but very good at smiling, nodding and saying innocuous, but leading, statements. The other two were allegedly wise men called pundits (the original meaning of pundit is "cattle botherer"). The pundits were scarred from battle but dressed in modern, smart clothing. The three men would discuss the events of the day, using a limited vocabulary and referring to pictures of events drawn by local artists.

 This tradition carried on through the ages. The Romans, Vikings and Normans all adopted it as did the various kings and queens of England. When the BBC was invented it decided to carry on this ancient British tradition. The theme tune is based on an old folk song called "Rickets ma' Janny Boy". Alan Hansen, the former Scottish and Liverpool FC defender, was chosen as one of the allegedly wise men. His experience on the football field was admired from near and far and his tales of journeys around England, Europe and beyond amazed the primitive folk of the BBC. What sealed the deal was the fact that Hansen only knows four thousand words. This simple, world-weary wisdom was what they needed. Hansen performed the role of pundit for many years. Using his limited set of words he described football games and occasionally told simplistic jokes. He had a knack for looking smart, some would say suave. This served him well, although he had very little idea of what was going on around him. For many years he thought that television cameras were angels and that Gary Lineker was a disappointing god. Nevertheless he persevered. Despite being offered money from the BBC, Hansen never took a wage. He would always turn up at 9pm at the BBC with a bag of jam sandwiches and a bottle of ginger ale - always prepared by his loving sister Helly (the world-famous coat maker). Sometimes he would arrive naked as, for obscure religious reasons, he never dressed on Sundays.

 Hansen's time with the BBC was largely admired. However one day, in September 1998, Hansen arrived with a moustache on his face. Nobody was sure how this appeared on his face and Hansen has never given an explanation - mainly because he never knew the word "moustache". The previous day Hansen was clean shaven so the appearance of a thick ginger moustache took the BBC staff by surprise. Hansen was quickly escorted to a side room where he was examined by an in-house doctor. Hansen never uttered a word. He stood still in the room while the doctor tried to come up with a diagnosis. As Match of the Day was due to air very shortly after Hansen arrived, the doctor panicked. He couldn't find a cure and, unsure of what to do, he painted Hansen's moustache a rudimentary skin colour. After that night the moustache never re-appeared. Hansen's professionalism with regards to this issue has been widely acknowledged throughout the BBC.

Massive Bale out

For many years I've followed the fortunes of Tottenham Hotspur. It's character building. Spurs fans learn about anticlimax, the fickle nature of glamour and living with the constant feeling of jealousy. Yesterday, the first day of September, can be considered the first day of Autumn. Typically it follows Summer and, typically for Tottenham, it rings in the big fall. We lost to Arsenal - and our expensively assembled team played a cacophony rather than a string of simple, formulaic but ultimately catchy hits. Yet again our neighbours stuck to their time-honoured formula of a one-nil victory. Arsenal are talented, predictable and part of the national establishment. They are the Paul McCartney of football - here's the evidence:



But Tottenham's derby loss wasn't the biggest Spurs news of the day. That was the world-record sale of Gareth Bale to Real Madrid. Everybody knows that £85 million pounds is far too much for the Welshman. Bale is a wonderfully talented footballer, but this fee seems far too much. However, it's not.

Bale has never won any trophy in his professional career. Indeed Spurs failed to win the first twenty five matches he played in. Of course Tottenham had better results when he's featured since then, but this fact shouldn't be ignored. What people don't realise is that Real Madrid want to lose. They want to lose every game this season. Signing Bale will allow them to do this. This is a deeply political move and part of much grander, and complex, narrative. Madrid need to be relegated. They need to fall to the depths of Spanish football, before re-emerging as a new force, chiselled from their humiliation. Spending a few seasons playing teams from fishing villages and old, abandoned factory towns will re-connect them to the Spanish people. They will return to La Liga as the people's team again. Barcelona will then be seen as the oppressive, dictatorial team. The Bale signing means Madrid can blame this all on the Welsh - a natural enemy of the Spanish (we all remember the Spanish-Welsh war of 1823).

The other major reason for Bale's massive fee is connected to the Welshman's looks. He's a big lad, broad shouldered and honest. If anything he looks like a lad from the War. You can imagine him walking up a country lane wearing a neat green uniform, his provisions strapped to his back. At the end of the lane wait the village-folk, all dressed in gingham and tweed with plates of scones, pies and sponges. He's a walking memory of simpler times and in these times of austerity we need these ordinary, accessible heroes. Bale doesn't have the sparkle of Beckham - he's one of us.

But this is the obvious view of Bale's looks. This is far too simplistic. Real Madrid are a massive corporate entity. It doesn't care about people or memories or gingham. It cares about abstract things like money and sponsorship. Their kit maker, Adidas, needs to sell shirts. But it also needs to sell boots. Adidas have probably funded this Bale transfer. They desperately wanted him to play for their marquee team. They needed Bale to sell their shirts - but more importantly they needed Bale to sell their boots. You see Gareth Bale's head is shaped like a large foot. Never before have Adidas been presented with a more compelling model for their footwear. Tottenham have been blamed for prolonging the sale of Bale over the Summer but the real sticking point was with Gareth Bale himself. Bale felt unsure about a specific clause in his contract. However, he finally relented. This clause, which Adidas insisted on, demands that Bale wears an Adidas shoe on his head every time he plays for Madrid. So it makes sense. Bale, the new Madrid stud, will be careering around the pitches of Spain wearing the latest Adidas leather football boot as a mask. If I had it, I'd pay £85 million to see this.

You were always on my mind

Recently I posted a reply to a friend of mine on Facebook. It involved a link to this video:

It was the early 90's hit from Dutch band Ten Sharp (or maybe 10# ?). Like a piece of plastic flotsam it was washed up from my memory. Unfortunately it has stayed in my head for the past week.

I have reflected deeply on this - why has this song stuck around? Why will it not leave me alone? I have come to the conclusion that there are some key ingredients which makes this song so addictive.

The first is the rambling, persistent piano. It wanders around your head, often rising up to an optimistic swell. It just keeps going, twirling around, ignoring everything around it. To this day, the pianist is STILL playing.

The second element is the gravelly voice. The singer is clearly putting a lot of effort in to this song. Every... word... is... drawn... out... from... his... manly... throat. This song required every ounce of emotion, every memory, every feeling. Remember this is the early 1990s, when men started to cry, hold babies and do the washing up. This singer has emerged from a sweaty, testosterone-filled trading room with a song in his heart that the world simply had to hear.

Then there's the lyrics:

"The night, always a good friend
A glass of wine
And the lights down low"

The singer emphasises the "low" with a subtle downward key change. Amazing.

Fourthly there's the video. The Athena-themed video. Two guys, two girls, seaside, champagne, boats, cars, optimism. All in black and white. This was a time before the Maastrict treaty, before Clinton, before the Internet. This was 1991. Terminator 2 was released in 1991. 1991 was the last year when the idea that by 2000 we would be engaging with robots or flying around on hoverboards or using lasers for combat seemed plausible. Ever since the present has been a prolonged anticlimax. iPhones are a limp alternative to robots that actually cry.

Finally, there's the symbol behind the musical duo in the video. It's brilliantly meaningless.

Ten Sharp never had another hit like "You". They are among all those other one-hit-wonders: Charles and Eddie, Baha Men, Los Del Rio, The Mock Turtles. We all know these songs, but little else. We will never know their bad music or their embarrassing opinions. We are left with their unique gems.

Recently I discovered that Chesney Hawkes and Nik Kershaw are very good friends. I have seen the photographic evidence. I hope that all of these past pop stars are friends, gathered around a campfire singing their one-off wonders. Anyway, here's a t-shirt:
I am the one and only

There's a lizard at the gate

The Plebs are in the news again. They’ve raised their heads from the ditches, covered in the grime of reality. Someone summoned them by accident and now they’re appearing in print. They’re sitting there, uninvited, among the columns about crises, economies and big tits. Headlines touch them gingerly afraid of what they’ll catch.  But there they will remain, for a few days at least.

They accidentally stumbled in to the news after Government Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell got angry with some policemen. Mr. Mitchell had spent the whole day arguing and hadn’t realised he was meant to stop. The policemen were in the way of his rage. They were innocent bystanders, victims of friendly fire. The word “pleb” was blurted out and it ruined everyone’s day.

Mr. Mitchell has been evasive about the language he used at the gate of Downing Street. He’s issued apologies for words he claims he didn’t say. He may even apologise for words he claims he won’t say in the future. If he has a brain he would just issue a general apology that will suffice for any situation. That way he will be covered no matter what and can happily carry on insulting anyone in public. It could be a super-apology, like a super-injunction.  Perhaps the Government could embark on a policy of pre-emptive apologising thereby covering their arses when the economy and society finally implodes.

But perhaps Mr. Mitchell didn’t mean “pleb” in the way us plebs think it’s meant to mean. Pleb doesn’t feel like a real word like “badger” or “entourage” or “fallopian”. It’s a short, curt, almost comical sound.  Indeed you could describe it as a squashed burp. The kind of burp a small reptile would make. The utterance of this quasi-word is curious given Mr. Mitchell’s background and perhaps explains his evasiveness.

Andrew Mitchell has enjoyed fly-fishing in the past. He could be described as a keen fly-fisher. It’s not fly-fishing in the conventional sense in that this type doesn’t involve fish. Or rods. It just involves flies and Mr. Mitchell’s tongue. For, you see, Mr. Mitchell could be described as a consumer of flies, and other small insects. What’s also interesting is that Mr. Mitchell has referred to the word “scale” more than any other Westminster politician in the history of parliamentary debate. But above all is Mr. Mitchell’s association with Lazard – or Lizard – the large and mysterious financial organisation. Mr. Mitchell held a non-executive directorship of the Lizard company. Nobody knows what the Lizard company does or, indeed, what Mr. Mitchell did for them. But what is clear is he regularly wore a crown whenever he was in the Lizard offices. In many ways Mr. Mitchell could be described as a king. He was a king in the Lizard company – or King of the Lizards. This makes sense because he looks a bit like a small lizard with a silver crown on his head.

So it’s crystal clear now. Mr. Mitchell, the King of the Lizards, was letting out small belches in front of some police officers. He was angry with them, but not because they wouldn’t let him through – it’s because he hates all mammals. He was merely expressing millions of years of contempt for warm-blooded creatures through a series of unintelligible burbs.

However the most important question remains: why was Mr. Mitchell cycling a bike with a wicker basket? 

Romney and America's Chin

Mitt Romney was definitely in a Gillette ad. His life is a Gillette ad. The 2012 US election is just part of a montage from a Gillette ad. The entire purpose of the Romney campaign is to have a couple of seconds of film showing Romney looking presidential with a clean-shaven face. It’s just part of a pre-planned sequence of events. After achieving the presidency Romney will blast off in to space and punch an asteroid that’s hurdling toward Earth. It will be a Communist Nazi Islamic Terrorist Asteroid – with a moustache and week-old stubble. The plan is simple and straightforward and the American people need to understand their role in this sequence. In November all they need to do is punch the air, wave flags and cheer as Romney stands on the podium to reveal his bald chin and square of white teeth.

According to Romney he’s part of 53% of the US population who are not part of the 47% he said he was not part of. This is very clear because he said it to a group of people who he believed are also part of this 53%. It’s a strange and uncomfortable coincidence that 53% of razor blades sold in the US are razors made by the Gillette corporation. Romney has one goal for his presidency:  to increase the legal number of blades on a shaver to six. A sixth blade will ensure the faces of real men will be smooth for one more hour every day. According to Romney there are 56 million real men in the United States. That means the sixth blade will result in over 20 billion more hours of jaw baldness every year. Obama will not sanction a sixth blade – he would prefer to channel investment in complicated stuff like the economy and healthcare. Only nerds care about these things. Nerds who don’t have girlfriends and grow beards – their girlfriends probably have beards too. Romney doesn’t care about people with beards because he’s beating them – they’re behind him watching him being successful. Romney is part of a tiny minority. It’s not even 1%. It’s one.

People should sympathise with Romney having to deal with the 99.999999999999999999999999999% of people who are not him. The Gillette corporation only produce one Romney every twenty years and he is coming to the climax of his montage. It’s a cruel twist of faith that he is being forced to engage with Non-Romneys. It’s probably the internet or the end of the Cold War or even lesbianism that’s forcing him to talk to people. What the general population don’t realise is his mouth is not made for talking. The sole function of Mitt Romney’s mouth is to be a white fulcrum around which his chiselled features can display different expressions of smugness. The only sounds that should be associated with Romney are inspirational piano pieces or soaring guitar riffs. Words, sentences, proclamations are far too complicated and depressing – they’re for beardy weirdos.

Romney is fighting for America’s chin. He is trying to reclaim it, rationalise it. For Romney America has two chins – one hard and one soft. He’s working for the hard chin and he will shave away anything that tries to hide this divide. He will work hard to ensure there is another blade for every cowboy, every fireman, every footballer and every policeman. Vote for Romney and he will shave your face.