The day Alan Hansen had a moustache

Alan Hansen has declared that he will be leaving the BBC programme Match of the Day. Match of the Day is a very ancient British tradition. In times past the pre-Roman Britons would gather around the fire where they would be entertained by three men. One of the men was remarkably stupid but very good at smiling, nodding and saying innocuous, but leading, statements. The other two were allegedly wise men called pundits (the original meaning of pundit is "cattle botherer"). The pundits were scarred from battle but dressed in modern, smart clothing. The three men would discuss the events of the day, using a limited vocabulary and referring to pictures of events drawn by local artists.

 This tradition carried on through the ages. The Romans, Vikings and Normans all adopted it as did the various kings and queens of England. When the BBC was invented it decided to carry on this ancient British tradition. The theme tune is based on an old folk song called "Rickets ma' Janny Boy". Alan Hansen, the former Scottish and Liverpool FC defender, was chosen as one of the allegedly wise men. His experience on the football field was admired from near and far and his tales of journeys around England, Europe and beyond amazed the primitive folk of the BBC. What sealed the deal was the fact that Hansen only knows four thousand words. This simple, world-weary wisdom was what they needed. Hansen performed the role of pundit for many years. Using his limited set of words he described football games and occasionally told simplistic jokes. He had a knack for looking smart, some would say suave. This served him well, although he had very little idea of what was going on around him. For many years he thought that television cameras were angels and that Gary Lineker was a disappointing god. Nevertheless he persevered. Despite being offered money from the BBC, Hansen never took a wage. He would always turn up at 9pm at the BBC with a bag of jam sandwiches and a bottle of ginger ale - always prepared by his loving sister Helly (the world-famous coat maker). Sometimes he would arrive naked as, for obscure religious reasons, he never dressed on Sundays.

 Hansen's time with the BBC was largely admired. However one day, in September 1998, Hansen arrived with a moustache on his face. Nobody was sure how this appeared on his face and Hansen has never given an explanation - mainly because he never knew the word "moustache". The previous day Hansen was clean shaven so the appearance of a thick ginger moustache took the BBC staff by surprise. Hansen was quickly escorted to a side room where he was examined by an in-house doctor. Hansen never uttered a word. He stood still in the room while the doctor tried to come up with a diagnosis. As Match of the Day was due to air very shortly after Hansen arrived, the doctor panicked. He couldn't find a cure and, unsure of what to do, he painted Hansen's moustache a rudimentary skin colour. After that night the moustache never re-appeared. Hansen's professionalism with regards to this issue has been widely acknowledged throughout the BBC.