Massive Bale out

For many years I've followed the fortunes of Tottenham Hotspur. It's character building. Spurs fans learn about anticlimax, the fickle nature of glamour and living with the constant feeling of jealousy. Yesterday, the first day of September, can be considered the first day of Autumn. Typically it follows Summer and, typically for Tottenham, it rings in the big fall. We lost to Arsenal - and our expensively assembled team played a cacophony rather than a string of simple, formulaic but ultimately catchy hits. Yet again our neighbours stuck to their time-honoured formula of a one-nil victory. Arsenal are talented, predictable and part of the national establishment. They are the Paul McCartney of football - here's the evidence:



But Tottenham's derby loss wasn't the biggest Spurs news of the day. That was the world-record sale of Gareth Bale to Real Madrid. Everybody knows that £85 million pounds is far too much for the Welshman. Bale is a wonderfully talented footballer, but this fee seems far too much. However, it's not.

Bale has never won any trophy in his professional career. Indeed Spurs failed to win the first twenty five matches he played in. Of course Tottenham had better results when he's featured since then, but this fact shouldn't be ignored. What people don't realise is that Real Madrid want to lose. They want to lose every game this season. Signing Bale will allow them to do this. This is a deeply political move and part of much grander, and complex, narrative. Madrid need to be relegated. They need to fall to the depths of Spanish football, before re-emerging as a new force, chiselled from their humiliation. Spending a few seasons playing teams from fishing villages and old, abandoned factory towns will re-connect them to the Spanish people. They will return to La Liga as the people's team again. Barcelona will then be seen as the oppressive, dictatorial team. The Bale signing means Madrid can blame this all on the Welsh - a natural enemy of the Spanish (we all remember the Spanish-Welsh war of 1823).

The other major reason for Bale's massive fee is connected to the Welshman's looks. He's a big lad, broad shouldered and honest. If anything he looks like a lad from the War. You can imagine him walking up a country lane wearing a neat green uniform, his provisions strapped to his back. At the end of the lane wait the village-folk, all dressed in gingham and tweed with plates of scones, pies and sponges. He's a walking memory of simpler times and in these times of austerity we need these ordinary, accessible heroes. Bale doesn't have the sparkle of Beckham - he's one of us.

But this is the obvious view of Bale's looks. This is far too simplistic. Real Madrid are a massive corporate entity. It doesn't care about people or memories or gingham. It cares about abstract things like money and sponsorship. Their kit maker, Adidas, needs to sell shirts. But it also needs to sell boots. Adidas have probably funded this Bale transfer. They desperately wanted him to play for their marquee team. They needed Bale to sell their shirts - but more importantly they needed Bale to sell their boots. You see Gareth Bale's head is shaped like a large foot. Never before have Adidas been presented with a more compelling model for their footwear. Tottenham have been blamed for prolonging the sale of Bale over the Summer but the real sticking point was with Gareth Bale himself. Bale felt unsure about a specific clause in his contract. However, he finally relented. This clause, which Adidas insisted on, demands that Bale wears an Adidas shoe on his head every time he plays for Madrid. So it makes sense. Bale, the new Madrid stud, will be careering around the pitches of Spain wearing the latest Adidas leather football boot as a mask. If I had it, I'd pay £85 million to see this.