Romney and America's Chin

Mitt Romney was definitely in a Gillette ad. His life is a Gillette ad. The 2012 US election is just part of a montage from a Gillette ad. The entire purpose of the Romney campaign is to have a couple of seconds of film showing Romney looking presidential with a clean-shaven face. It’s just part of a pre-planned sequence of events. After achieving the presidency Romney will blast off in to space and punch an asteroid that’s hurdling toward Earth. It will be a Communist Nazi Islamic Terrorist Asteroid – with a moustache and week-old stubble. The plan is simple and straightforward and the American people need to understand their role in this sequence. In November all they need to do is punch the air, wave flags and cheer as Romney stands on the podium to reveal his bald chin and square of white teeth.

According to Romney he’s part of 53% of the US population who are not part of the 47% he said he was not part of. This is very clear because he said it to a group of people who he believed are also part of this 53%. It’s a strange and uncomfortable coincidence that 53% of razor blades sold in the US are razors made by the Gillette corporation. Romney has one goal for his presidency:  to increase the legal number of blades on a shaver to six. A sixth blade will ensure the faces of real men will be smooth for one more hour every day. According to Romney there are 56 million real men in the United States. That means the sixth blade will result in over 20 billion more hours of jaw baldness every year. Obama will not sanction a sixth blade – he would prefer to channel investment in complicated stuff like the economy and healthcare. Only nerds care about these things. Nerds who don’t have girlfriends and grow beards – their girlfriends probably have beards too. Romney doesn’t care about people with beards because he’s beating them – they’re behind him watching him being successful. Romney is part of a tiny minority. It’s not even 1%. It’s one.

People should sympathise with Romney having to deal with the 99.999999999999999999999999999% of people who are not him. The Gillette corporation only produce one Romney every twenty years and he is coming to the climax of his montage. It’s a cruel twist of faith that he is being forced to engage with Non-Romneys. It’s probably the internet or the end of the Cold War or even lesbianism that’s forcing him to talk to people. What the general population don’t realise is his mouth is not made for talking. The sole function of Mitt Romney’s mouth is to be a white fulcrum around which his chiselled features can display different expressions of smugness. The only sounds that should be associated with Romney are inspirational piano pieces or soaring guitar riffs. Words, sentences, proclamations are far too complicated and depressing – they’re for beardy weirdos.

Romney is fighting for America’s chin. He is trying to reclaim it, rationalise it. For Romney America has two chins – one hard and one soft. He’s working for the hard chin and he will shave away anything that tries to hide this divide. He will work hard to ensure there is another blade for every cowboy, every fireman, every footballer and every policeman. Vote for Romney and he will shave your face.